My thoughts, my pain, my evilness

Okay as you already have been able to guess, I have had a autumn filled with issues. I have totally lost my focus regarding my education, I don't think it's a good place for me right now. It has become a place filled with negativity on so many levels that I need to shut it down right now and do something different to be able too be happy again. One problem that I have is the fact that I have to hide who I am almost all the time, I am not out at my job they know nothing, I usually just switch the subject when girlfriends comes up. I don't feel like I am participating like I should but at the same time I have nothing to gain by being open about it except for my own piece of mind. It's hard. I am so lost. I think it is the same in school, I mean, not every classmate might be able too accept it so I guess thats why I don't say anything. When I am in a room full of people, I can feel so lonely even sometimes with people who like, respect and even love me. I don't know if I can continue going on like that because it is breaking me apart slowly, bit by bit, step by step. I need to talk about it. I don't think that all of you can understand that and I might not be able to set words to it.
Some might say talk to a counselor but I don't want to speak to a stranger it won't help me  because you go there up to ten sessions and it's over. I have my friends but they can't really understand because they have not gone through what I been through. So thats why I feel lonely. On many occasions in my life I have had just myself to rely on, not because I can't trust people around me but rather that I don't want to be a burden or a disappointment to anyone. . .

I am happy that I got friends and family who except and like me for who I am. I have a bunch of supportive friends whom I appreciate so much even if I don't say it often. You are worth so much to me and you don't even know it...

The funny thing is that almost nobody suspects that I am gay, well some people do but that's because I say things that could be interpret that way. I am so straight acting that even gays don't think I am one sometimes. But yeah I am gay and so what if I don't fit a stereotype, not my problem, I know who I am and I will never change. One other thing that surprises me sometimes is that people always thinks that I am the nice one and that I won't hurt anyone or that I could be mean. Like it is not in my nature. Ohhh How wrong they are about that. I can be so mean sometimes it even scares me, might not do it to their faces all the time but I am not alone in that department, I also can manipulate to get the way I want. Yeah of course I know that's wrong,  but I do it anyway. This is me being brutally honest...